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It's a closely guarded secret that Neil Armstrong’s first swing with a golf club on the Moon in 1969, was foiled not by his cumbersome suit, but by a garden gnome that had been left there by nations unknown. This unexpected development was edited out of film shot by his fellow astronaut. |
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Marie Antoinette did not say "Laissez manger gateau" (Let them eat cake.) What she said was "let the little man go", the little man being a gnome from the wilds of northern France, who had gotten lost in Paris. Marie was very fond of miniature things, as evidenced by her hobby farm built on the grounds of the Palace of Versailles. (For the real history of garden gnomes, click here) |
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Charles Darwin went to his grave, knowing that the missing link in the evolution of Man, was the gnome. He simply didn’t think anyone would believe him. |
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Cleopatra did not commit suicide. She was knocked on her asp by a gnome who popped up in her palace, surprising the Alexandrian Amazon. He had tunneled his way from Bavaria, and taken a wrong turn at the Red Sea. |
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Sigmund Freud had a fixation on gnomes. He saw them everywhere, from his garden to his office. In his personal diary, he pondered on whether they were a figment of imagination stirred by unresolved feelings for his pet chicken, or whether after all, a gnome was just a gnome. |
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Abraham Lincoln was really a gnome on stilts. Really! |
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The White House rose garden is rife with real, live gnomes. Security has yet to deal with them, because they are short, old, and belligerent, and have been mistaken for members of the Senate. |
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Dinosaurs became extinct with the proliferstion of carnivorous gnomes. However, the gnomes were scared of mice, and have been hiding from them, ever since. |
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Gnomes are a peaceful, home-loving species, who only travel now when kidnapped and posed in front of tourist attractions for the amusement of unfeeling cretins. Originally from Europe, gnomes traveled from land to land, seeking a country without television sitcoms and re-runs of Dr. Phil. Finding none, they went underground and have yet to be liberated from their self-imposed exile. |
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Because David Letterman doesn't have one. |
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